A bitter episode

It's been weeks and soon even a month without his presence. There is feeling of relief and freedom flows in my vein as he left, but all of it mixed with a great sense of loss.

Sometimes I blame myself for everything happened, there are times when I'm angry because I was treated very unfairly, I sometimes let myself talk in silence and thinking what have I done in the past so now I have to feel this.

I miss him sometimes, although the last time he said , "I can not just leave you like that." :) :) :)

When I remember that sentence now, I can smile again without any hope that someday, he'll come back to me. Because I know that sentence does not mean anything for him, just as part of his attempt to relieve my emotions at that time. Unfortunately, until now deep inside my heart I still believe that he's not that bad. Hopefully it's true.

Wherever he is, whatever he does, hopefully he's okay and happy with his chosen life now.

I was taught the meaning of give in and surrender.

For the last couple years, I've done a lot of sacrifices so that all could work fine, but unfortunately it has no meaning for him. Even worse, I was slandered :) You can imagine how I feel right now, but I am very grateful because at times like this, I was taught the meaning of 'surrender'.

Yes, the meaning of "surrender" here in the sense of letting the process take place naturally. Let God's will happens. I strongly believe, the lives of people who are full of lies will never be peaceful.

It was just a bitter episode in my amazing life.

What's left?

What's left after the mess we created?

An empty heart.
A wound.
A wet pillow.
A swollen eyes.
A bitterness.
The memory still remains in my head, cycling like an endless loop.
It's indescribable.

Somewhere only we know

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know

Oh, this could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
Somewhere only we know

(Keane)

The one that got away...

Summer after high school when we first met
We make out in your Mustang to Radiohead
And on my 18th Birthday, we got matching tattoos

Used to steal your parents' liquor and climb to the roof
Talk about our future like we had a clue
Never planned that one day I'd be losing you

In another life, I would be your girl
We'd keep all our promises be us against the world

In another life, I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away

I was June and you were my Johnny Cash
Never one without the other we made a pact
Sometimes when I miss you, I put those records on

Someone said you had your tattoo removed
Saw you downtown singing the Blues
It's time to face the music, I'm no longer your muse

But in another life, I would be your girl
We'd keep all our promises be us against the world

In another life, I would make you stay
So I don't have to say, you were the one that got away
The one that got away...

(Katy Perry)

Happy New Year 2012

Have a happy, prosperous new year 2012!
That's what I wished on the New Year's eve.

Tanggal 1 Januari 2012 dimulai dengan 'drama' yang saya mulai sendiri. Ya, memang saya sendiri yang menciptakan drama itu dan sekarang yang ada cuma perasaan bersalah.
Tapi, kembali lagi. Things happen for reasons. Salahnya saya, tidak cukup kuat meredam emosi saya. Saya adalah tipe orang yang cenderung meledak-ledak dan tidak suka memendam segala sesuatu. Bocor. Kadang tanpa disaring.

Resolusi tahun 2012 adalah bisa menjadi orang yang lebih sabar. Dan baru beberapa menit jarum jam bergeser dari angka 12, saya sudah kehilangan kesabaran :'(
Efeknya? saya merasa saya kehilangan orang yang saya sayangi.

Dalam prinsip hidup saya, tidak ada kata menyesal. Tapi, saya bisa bilang kalo saya merasa bersalah. Kadang ada pikiran untuk menghukum diri saya sendiri, tapi hey... I'm better than that. Wajar aja kalo terkadang pikiran-pikiran negatif muncul. Dan disaat saya menyalahkan diri saya sendiri, saya perlu teman-teman saya untuk memberikan semangat, atau sekedar mendengarkan keluh kesah saya.
Thank God I have them.

So, I wish you all have a fantastic 2012!
Dan untuk menghibur diri saya sendiri, awal yang kurang bagus bukan berarti seterusnya gak bagus :))

xoxo,
-Ita

Tuesday Talk

Pembicaraan siang ini di kantor antara saya dan tetangga depan meja saya adalah tentang pernikahan. Topik yang berat kalo dibahas terlalu dalam. Jadi, pembicaraan ini tidak terlalu kita kupas dalam, hanya sebagai selingan sambil makan siang.

Living a single life is fun, but in the age 30's like mine... could be tough too. Kenapa saya bilang 'tough'? Karena dengan bertambahnya umur, mengenal lebih banyak orang dan tau lebih banyak mengenai cerita di luar sana yang dulunya cuma bisa saya baca di buku atau nonton di film, honestly saya agak sedikit 'ngeri' dengan pernikahan. Dan hal-hal ini membentuk pola pikir saya mengenai makna dari 'pernikahan'.

Buat saya, pernikahan itu adalah bab baru dari buku kehidupan saya. Bab yang hanya bisa mulai dituliskan apabila saya jatuh cinta, percaya, yakin dan menetapkan hati kalau lelaki itu adalah lelaki yang akan selalu menjadi sahabat saya sampai saya menutup mata, atau sebaliknya. Perjalanan ke depannya tidak akan mudah sama sekali. Banyak godaan dan cobaan yang akan muncul tanpa di duga dan tanpa di rencanakan sama sekali.

Orang ketiga? Sudah pasti akan menjadi bumbu di dalam bab ini. I'm so sure about this. Belum lagi masalah yang lain yang akan timbul. Masalah keuangan, masalah toleransi dan kompromi dengan kebiasaan-kebiasaan, masalah keluarga, masalah pekerjaan. Masih banyak lagi kalo disebutkan satu persatu masalah-masalah yang akan muncul.

Buat saya, menikah bukan lagi tujuan utama dalam hidup saya. Tujuan hidup saya adalah menerima diri saya apa adanya dan berdamai dengan masa lalu saya untuk membuat hidup yang cuma sekali ini menjadi hidup yang bahagia.

Saya tidak mau gagal dalam pernikahan saya nanti, karena itu saya harus memperbaiki diri saya sendiri dulu supaya apabila saatnya nanti saya menjadi seorang istri, saya diberikan kekuatan untuk memaafkan, berkompromi, toleransi dan membahagiakan suami saya, for better or worse.

Of course, saya tetap mau menikah, in His time :)

xoxo,
Ita

Far far away....

Where are you?

Right now that's the question I want to say out of loud but somehow choked in my throat.

It hurts because you are not here when I need you and when I miss you.

A Little Note Today

I am an Indonesian, 100 percent Indonesian and I'm proud as an Indonesian. Why do I write my blog in English? Simply because I want to improve my English. There might be some mistake in grammar or the way I try to say but it doesn't stop me from writing in English. But lately I'm thinking to write my blog in Indonesian, that must be interesting and I can say exactly what I mean without being misunderstood.

Writing always be one of my interests in life beside traveling. When I was a little girl, I used to make some short stories and shared it to my little sister. She liked it, she was my loyal reader. I wrote in a note book only when I felt I wanted to. Someday maybe I will write a book, or maybe I'll start writing short story again and send it to magazines? Who knows?
All I need is inspiration.

Never knew I needed

For the way you changed my plans, for being the perfect distraction

For the way you took the idea that I have of everything that I wanted to have and made me see there was something missing..


For the ending of my first begin and for the rare and unexpected friend

For the way you're something that I never choose, but at the same time something I don't wanna lose and never wanna be without ever again...


You're the best thing I never knew I needed, so when you were here I had no idea

You're the best thing I never knew I needed, so now it's so clear I need you here always...


My accidental happily ever after, the way you smile and how you comfort me with your laughter

I must admit you were not a part of my book, but now if you open it up and take a look

You're the beginning and the end of every chapter...


Who'd knew that I'd be here so unexpectedly, undeniablely happy

Said with you right here, right here next to me...

(For you... my sunshine)

Beautiful image above is from this beautiful site

Wrong

Everything seems so wrong at the moment, especially today.

I take a deep breath more often than I usually do.

Grumpy mood covered me all day at work, because one thing doesn't run as well as I thought. I feel like I have failed to simplify my mind today.

Life is not complicated, it depends on the way you look at it.

I hope positivity cloud will hanging above my sky soon.

The sky and the cloud

Hello...

Hugging you...

I love you :)

There is always something magical about the sky and the cloud above. That's how I feel every time I gaze up my head and enjoy the blue and white beauty during the day. My favorite is clear blue sky with a lot of fluffy cotton white cloud all around. The sky is my tool to say Hello to the people that I love who live miles apart from where I am and the cloud is my tool to hug them tightly in my arms. Sometimes I don't want to let go because I love them too much. Let me hold you and say that I love you so much...

Jump!

I feel like I want to jump into a boat now because my life needs more excitement! Which boat should I jump into?

I think too much of the destination, the finish line, the end of the journey that not yet been started. I am a coward sometimes. It is not someone that I am. It’s funny to call myself a coward but that’s who I am sometimes. So, I’m triggering myself to walk toward the light right now. One step at a time and I’ll jump into that boat and just enjoy the ride, enjoy the calm or wild waves of the sea and just see where the boat will take me to. JUMP!!

What I wrote on 31 December 2009

One day left in 2009 when I wrote this.

My thought took few trips to some moments in 2009 that crashed me down but in the end, there’s always light in the end of the tunnels :) These ‘crashing moments’ were definitely made me a better person as I am today. There were time when I had rainy days, but I didn’t let myself wet soaking in the rain. I have a nice rain coat and wide umbrella to protect me. Swept away few people in my life made my house cleaner and more peaceful. I don’t need the dust in my shiny palace. So, for people who want to get your dirt placed or made dirt in my palace, accept that you are not welcome and not even deserve to visit or even stay in my joyous life.

“To forgive is to move forward”

“When you forgive it, you don’t have to live it”.

I had a wonderful years in 2009 and I know I’m gonna have more wonderful year in 2010. Here I am, standing tall above the blue sky, with forever summer in my heart and wide smile on my face, so ready to welcoming 2010! A year that will be filled with more joy, laughter, happiness and love. There will be stormy days ahead for sure, but that’s part of my journey to live this amazing life of mine!

Most people make New Year resolution and I have few too that I want to share with you.

1. Join yoga class
2. Join dance class
3. Eat more healthier foods start by consuming red rice rather than white rice, less junk foods or fry foods
4. Travel abroad to some new places and mixed more with local people during traveling
5. Get in a better body shape by exercising and swimming, lose 6-8 kilo is the target!
6. Read more good quality book
   

I share few happy moments I had in 2009 as above, there were many many great moments I had... What you see above were just few of them :)
So grateful!

xoxo,
-Ita

A beautiful inspiration

People are often unreasonable and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and the anyway.

(Mother Teresa)

Innocent Girl

I adore her beauty, especially her innocent eyes

Her soft-curly hair looks mess, but cuter even!

Drawing...

...and drawing... so serious!

Sometimes I wish I could go back to my childhood...


xoxo,
-Ita

Single?

I'm single, yes I am :)
There are times when I ask myself "Why am I still single?" This question lingers in my head sometimes, I don't speak it out, this question just being answered by my mind, it's one of the conversations in my head when I'm in 'idle mode'. No, I don't blame anyone or anything, I believe that there's always a reason behind every single thing in our life. God will make it beautiful in His time.
Have you ever seen "Happy Go Lucky"? It's a beautiful movie and inspired me! By watching this movie, I got indirect answer for my question.
I'm enjoying my single life....and life is beautiful :)


xoxo,
-Ita

Image is from http://www.inmagine.com

Only sometimes

Under the sun, above the earth, in silence, in reality, I whisper your name in my prayer...

Sometimes.